Is there hope for mankind? (Serious musings after trolling the Kindle Store)
You may well ask, “what were you thinking, browsing through the free-to-view Kindle books? Have you completely lost your mind?”
And you would be right to ask. But I’m not a reader of Kindles – I stick to real paper and ink books, when I actually manage to make the time to read. And so I had no idea what a minefield of atrocious grammar, scandalous plots and godawful cover designs was hiding within the bowels of the Kindle Store.
Who knew that there was such a salacious craving for series upon series of books about “werebears” (like werewolves, but bears). And that 9 out of 10 of the books being offered for nothing (or under a dollar) are of the trashy romance kind – way more risqué than Mills & Boone ever dreamt of being (or so it seems from their covers and descriptions). Don’t even get me started on the so-called Christian romance novels which are no better than the non-Christian ones…
Some of the grammatically-challenged offerings that leapt out at me included Tall, Dark & Panther, The story of two sister, Caused & Effect and How to enjoy after retirement. Then, I found a whole bunch that I would definitely have downloaded if I wasn’t intolerant to gluten and actually owned a Kindle: Diary of a Vampeen, Atomic Lobster, Emergency Childbirth: A Reference Guide for Students of the Medical Self-help Training Course, Lesson No. 11, The Thief Who Pulled On Trouble’s Braids and The flight of the intrepid monkey.
But, once I managed to sift through the dross I did find some hilarious-looking book covers. Now how do I get Amazon to stop recommending these types of titles to me, based on my viewing history?
Reviewer: “From the creators of Fifty Shades of Hay. For years Mr. Horseman trotted through life with a long face, until he met Kathryn, a lonely woman pasture prime. Saddle up for a rodeo of emotions and personal development, as they start as a forbidden fling of just horsing around but only to find an unexpected, stable relationship, neigh, only to find love. With a spurned heart, Kathryn must decide whether to follow social norms or be with the horse-man she loves. Of course when found out by a nosy neighbor, the city stirrups trouble for the unique couple. The stress eventually becomes to much in the end however, and Kathryn and Mr. Horseman’s love doesn’t last furlong. Kathryn finds out shes not his mane partner and their seemingly everlasting affair turns into a real night-mare.”
Description: The skunk Woman has amazing funk powers. She uses her powers o fight criminals and villains. Humor, Action, Drama, A Thriller.
Reviewer: “Books like this are just one more reason the aliens fly right past us.”
Description: “A must-have for anyone with a passion for shopping carts and a love of the great outdoors … Working in the naturalist’s tradition, the photographs depict the diversity of the phenomenon and carry a surprising emotional charge; readers inevitably begin to see these carts as human…” Seriously?
Reviewer: “…It is fast paced, action packed and replete with all the stuff us guys dream of; guns, girls, fast boats, beating the bad guys, girls with guns, cloned sweeties, girls with guns on fast boats… it never ends! On a more literary note ‘Children of the Lambs’ is well constructed. Some of the scenes just drip tension and drama and you can’t help skipping the pro-nouns and prepositions to find out what happens next…”
Looks like a real page turner
Reviewer: “Doesn’t do what it claims. This book has nothing to do with bomb proofing your horse. No horse can ever be bomb proof unless it is dead and there were no instructions on how to kill a horse. What the book does teach is some very basic horse training techniques.”
Description: “Fate drops Khit, the bicultural Thai/Scottish hero, into the Highlands of Scotland when he inherits a title and Highland castle. An evil cousin from his new life and corrupt Muay Thai boxing promoter from his old one plot to eliminate Khit and his family. With a lover, twin baby sons, and an adopted eight-year-old boy, Khit uses his brain, brawn, and extensive resources to try and outwit the villains. A hunt for a treasure of gold and the kidnapping of his son complicate the struggle to survive.”
Reviewer: “Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop is a fun read about serious defense against the fairy realm with considerable wit and humor … As a fond lover of the fairy realm, I don’t exactly like the antics of capturing and getting rid of the fairies, but I do agree there are some that should not be allowed to run around in one’s home or chicken coop. I certainly wouldn’t want to eat an egg from a chicken that was actually a goblin, would you? …”
Description: “This story is about a llama named Hero. Hero grew up on a planet named Sunny Sunshine Shoe. He could tell you a thousand things about his home planet, maybe even more, but if you asked him the one thing that stood out, he would not hesitate. He would look at you right into the eyes, take a deep breath, then grab your hand and lead you to the park behind his house. The flowers, the wind, the trees. Such a perfect little paradise tucked away in space, on the verge of the Void: the big unexplored part of space. Until The Comet came.”
Reviewer: “Terrifying and unique, you have to read Call Of The Loon. It will leave you wondering where in the world does Beck get her ideas. To date, it’s my favorite story from The Horror Diaries.”
Description: “From Zombie penguins to vampire monkeys this collection of short stories is sure to keep you up at night, walking through a zoo of horrors with each story. The Devil’s Beastiary is a new twist on the old movie monsters from a simpler time when black and white was popular and monsters lived under your bed.”
Reviewer: “Not helpful. Buy a hatchet or machete instead. I already knew how the dead attach themselves. They just grab ahold and they bite. I was hoping to learn how to prevent the innocent bystanders from turning into undead after they’ve been bitten. I was so excited when I found this book, but it was no help at all. It just has a bunch of useless stories about ghosts. Ghosts! Everyone knows there’s no such things as ghosts. There’s only a handful of us left, and so far we haven’t found any other survivors of what we’re calling ‘The Falll.’ Now, whenever someone else turns, I curse the author’s name. ‘Damn you, Gary Leon Hill. You give people false hope!'”
Description: “Deep within the blackly foreboding, bear-ridden woods, lies the last remnant of a dying people; a strong and enigmatic creature, solemn but lonely… College student Jennifer, her loyal friend Robert, the unscrupulous mayor’s son Liam, and several others venture out into the forest, but quickly become lost. When the group splinters to search for help leaving Jennifer and Liam behind, however, unwanted advances lead to the intervention of a handsome, rugged stranger. As the pair soon realize, though, this stranger is not all he seems…”
Reviewer: “He does! God frequently speaks to me through cats, although I’m not always certain why God is meowing insistently at me at 5 AM or why He in His divine wisdom has hacked up a hairball into my Nikes. God moves in mysterious ways!”
Description: “Moira’s desperate plan to return to normal life with her newborn daughter, Lorilee, has been thwarted once again by Akrasian bounty hunters. Now, instead of settling down in the warm embrace of life with her new daughter, Moira is thrust from the cozy confines of Earth into the less-than-welcoming arms of Zorzen – a world abounding in hostile alien soldiers and high I.Q. animals that wish to eat her. Seeking help from a tribe of claw-footed, hairy, and horned men who strongly resemble the satyrs of yore, Moira is surprised and appalled to discover that her arrival was predicted by their oracle. A prediction that calls for her to unite their tribes and wage war against the reptilian Zorzen…”
Reviewer: “You need to do yourself a favor and order this book, simply for the cover art. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but so far the story is pretty fun, too. Honestly though, this book could be the words TENDER KISS OF A RUSSIAN WEREWOLF written repeatedly on every page and it would still be worth purchasing. But that cover! No cover art will ever compare. Need something for the office gift exchange? Here’s your perfect choice. Wedding gifts? Buy two and you’ve got the bride and groom covered. Baby shower? Something to motivate Junior into learning to read. Just buy it. DO IT NOW!”